Waiting For Ava

“But these things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day.” Habakkuk 2:3

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

What should we say...?

So, we went to Boston Pizza for dinner tonight. As we waited for our appetizers a family was seated at the table across from our booth. This family was obviously a family formed by international adoption. The parents were caucasian and the children were asian(I am guessing from China but can't say for sure). I was mesmerized. Does anyone else ever feel this way? The little girl was approx 3 yrs old and the boy I would guess was around 6 or 7. I was watching the little girl skip and dance around the table and could not tear my gaze away for more than a couple of minutes. I know I shouldn't stare. I certainly don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable but I want that for us so much. I wonder if the mother could see the longing in my face. Could she tell that we had something in common or was she uncomfortable by our glances? I wonder if she remembers how she felt while she waited. We always struggle for words to say when we see an international adoptive family. We certainly don't want to say the wrong thing or make anyone uncomfortable. Is it wrong to say "Your daughter is beautiful."? Would we say the same of a biological child of a stranger? We have been taught to be so conscience of the rascism we could encounter are we oversensitive to it? It's all so confusing and frustrating sometimes.
All I know is I want that so bad. Please China hurry up so we can be the family that people are staring longingly at.

posted by Mike, Terri and Ava @ 10:25 PM  

4 Comments:

  • At 7:49 AM , Blogger Michael and Tammy said...

    I know exactly how you feel. Did you get the Dee Paddock video from Children's Bridge?? She talks about all that stuff and she says the best thing you can say is "your daughter is beautiful" I usually start off with that and then mention that my husband and I are adopting.... people are very supportive and I think they do remember what it was like when they were waiting. I am 100% quilty of stalking and staring - I can't help myself!

    Hang in!!
    Tammy

     

  • At 9:52 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    My heart is with you both. I know that when this all happens for you the wait will seem worth it. I hope time passes quickly for you both. All my love. ~ shh

     

  • At 1:18 PM , Blogger Donna Paonessa said...

    Chances are she didn't notice; speaking for myself, after a few years, you put blinders on. If she DID notice though, she might've thought, "here we go again".

    No, you never forget how the wait feels, BUT, once you become a parent, your focus shifts to how your KIDS feel about being stared at.

    My girls are 7 and 5 now; I basically don't make eye contact with anyone anymore, for their sake. They get sick and tired of being stared at and being the topic of conversation. The stares from families in process are more understandable than those who are just being nosy, but it's difficult to know which is which, unless someone says something - that's why I just avoid eye contact now. *grin* It's all about the kids when they get to a certain age. When they're babies they don't notice the stares or understand the questions, but after age 3 or 4, they notice. If someone came up to me at a restaurant and said they were in process, I'd chat for a bit, but quite honestly, you also just want to be a "normal family, out for a normal dinner" - you'll get to that headspace eventually too. *grin*

    Because the adoption world is also my job though, I tend to just offer my business card and mention that I'd be happy to chat further at another time. I'd never want to turn anyone off, but again, it's all about my kids feelings when I'm out with them.

    Take care,
    Donna

     

  • At 2:25 PM , Blogger The Fabulous Us ! said...

    Absolutely what Donna said. We get the stares all the time and I am perfecting the "never look anyone in the eye - keep busy with the kids" thing...Its not that I dont want to talk about my kids its that I want to be "normal" and just eat dinner. Sometimes I wonder...are you staring at me becuz you are waiting ? becuz we have 2 beautiful children or becuz you want to ask me how much we paid for her ??? its been said. its hard. and around 4 they start to understand which sucks.

    However if you came up to us and said "Hi my name is ___ and we are in the process of adopting and are finding the wait hard" or something like that I would be more than willing to let you have a peek and introduce you :)

    I like it when after 100 people saying the 'wrong' thing someone says the 'right' thing.

    The wait IS hard. Its so hard and you are caught up right smack in the middle of it. I hope you can find the courage next time to try and approach that family. To be given back the hope that yes your daughter will be coming home and you too will be stared at :) LOL

    Did you mention there are groups near you that you can attend where you can get a "fix" ? this really really helped us when we were waiting.

    Take good care,
    Amy

     

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